Thoughts

Super Soul Sunday with Suzanne

It’s been a very long year.  I’ve faced personal struggles I never imagined would come my way.  Lost people I truly loved.  Said goodbye to a life I knew since I was 16.  Said hello to a relationship with God that I’ve never imagined would come my way.  Finished a house.

The weekend I decided my marriage was over, my first thought was that I wouldn’t lose it.  I actively sought ways to heal myself quickly, because I had so much facing me:  kids who looked at me with concern and a need for normalcy, a new job to support the three of us, a surgery I’d go through alone for the first time since the wreck, dealing with my broken heart, trying to finish a home started on 2 salaries and now having only one and finally, but the biggest: intense anger.  That one was and is the hardest for me to overcome.  But I needed it to happen quickly.  Ha.  First lesson: nothing happens “quickly.”

“You let time pass. That’s the cure. You survive the days. You float like a rabid ghost through the weeks. You cry and wallow and lament and scratch your way back up through the months. And then one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean your head back and you realize you’re okay.”

Brave Enough – Cheryl Strayed

Here we are one year later.  As I do every morning now (for the last week), I grabbed my protein bar and my glass of milk and headed to the deck to do my bible study before the day begins.  The text goes off; it’s him but my stomach doesn’t clinch.  I’m in my peaceful place, “trying to get right with the Lord” and listening to the ducks, the geese, the crickets…and the cats.  I think I’ve made it.  I closed my eyes, leaned my head back and realized that I was indeed okay.

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But peace has been elusive to me, and fleeting.  It really made me angry at myself that I could still be hurt or made angry by things I saw posted, things that were said to me, things I saw.  But I realized today that I’m not Jesus.  I’m a flawed human who is privy to these unflattering feelings and emotions.  So today I’m going to forgive myself for still being able to be hurt and get angry.  And realize that this is all part of my becoming.

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This book, Brave Enough by Cheryl Strayed, is awesome.  So helpful.  So empowering.  I’m going to leave you with the quote that changed my way of thinking, and that help put out that fire of anger and even self-righteousness.  Maybe it will help someone else?

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Inspired by: Worn Corners

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Thoughts

Forgiveness-Don’t forget you!

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Psalm 34:18, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (NIV)

Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

 

Forgiveness.  It is a concept I admit I struggle with daily.  I have to consciously stop my negative thoughts about my current situation and sometimes fake it.  But over time, that is working.  I no longer cringe when I see the two people who hurt me so horribly.  I even pray for them, and I do my best to make it a sincere prayer, not just words I know I have to say.  I’m making headway.

But in all of that “growth” I forgot to forgive myself.  I constantly question how I could have been so blind.  How could I have been so naive.  What should I have done differently?  While it is important to take accountability, you have to be careful not to go down the road of self deprecation.  Give yourself a little leeway of understanding and forgiveness, too.  I missed the signs of betrayal…I trusted too much.  I’ve decided that from today that is not my failing, but the failing of the ones I gave that trust to.  So I believed someone to be something they weren’t.  If believing the best about someone turns out to be the wrong thing, I just have to move on.  I refuse to let that lesson color the people I meet in the future.

 

I am usually the person who volunteers to help.  I like it, and selfishly I guess, I like the way it makes me feel.  Recently, I had to be the one to accept help.  I’d exhausted every other avenue to finish a house that we began building over 2 years ago, and I was now taking on the project as a single woman.  I thought I might even lose the house, I just didn’t have any answers how to finish the house minimally so that we could move in to finish the rest.  So close to despair, my friends reached out like it was nothing.  Nothing to give up entire Saturdays after a long work week to come to my home to do back-breaking work.  They brought friends, too.  People who had no idea who I was came to help a person, out of the kindness of their hearts.  I was so blessed by that, so overwhelmed, I just went on the deck and cried.  It meant more to me than just getting my children into the house we’d been dreaming about for 3 years…it restored my faith in the goodness of others.  It helped me forgive myself for my poor choices.  It humbled me.

 

So, today I am able to breathe a little easier.  My house will be livable soon, not perfect, but workable.  Kind of like me. 🙂  All I can do is do a little better, keep my head up while I work on my forgiveness, my patience, my empathy, and my trust in God.  I hope one day I can be as big a blessing to someone as these friends have been to me.

Inspired by:  http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/