It’s been a very long year. I’ve faced personal struggles I never imagined would come my way. Lost people I truly loved. Said goodbye to a life I knew since I was 16. Said hello to a relationship with God that I’ve never imagined would come my way. Finished a house.
The weekend I decided my marriage was over, my first thought was that I wouldn’t lose it. I actively sought ways to heal myself quickly, because I had so much facing me: kids who looked at me with concern and a need for normalcy, a new job to support the three of us, a surgery I’d go through alone for the first time since the wreck, dealing with my broken heart, trying to finish a home started on 2 salaries and now having only one and finally, but the biggest: intense anger. That one was and is the hardest for me to overcome. But I needed it to happen quickly. Ha. First lesson: nothing happens “quickly.”
“You let time pass. That’s the cure. You survive the days. You float like a rabid ghost through the weeks. You cry and wallow and lament and scratch your way back up through the months. And then one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean your head back and you realize you’re okay.”
Brave Enough – Cheryl Strayed
Here we are one year later. As I do every morning now (for the last week), I grabbed my protein bar and my glass of milk and headed to the deck to do my bible study before the day begins. The text goes off; it’s him but my stomach doesn’t clinch. I’m in my peaceful place, “trying to get right with the Lord” and listening to the ducks, the geese, the crickets…and the cats. I think I’ve made it. I closed my eyes, leaned my head back and realized that I was indeed okay.
But peace has been elusive to me, and fleeting. It really made me angry at myself that I could still be hurt or made angry by things I saw posted, things that were said to me, things I saw. But I realized today that I’m not Jesus. I’m a flawed human who is privy to these unflattering feelings and emotions. So today I’m going to forgive myself for still being able to be hurt and get angry. And realize that this is all part of my becoming.
This book, Brave Enough by Cheryl Strayed, is awesome. So helpful. So empowering. I’m going to leave you with the quote that changed my way of thinking, and that help put out that fire of anger and even self-righteousness. Maybe it will help someone else?
Inspired by: Worn Corners